BEER AND HOCKEY JOKES

Jokes (Click Joke Below To Read It)

Wayne Gretzky Tattoos	Pickup Lines of the Unsuccessful and Lonely
The Players Psalm	The Goaltender's Psalm
Quick Thinker	Olympic Condoms
Not At This Joint	Sipping Vodka
Olympic Spirit	You Know You're From Michigan If:
Hockey Chain of Command	You May Be From Wisconsin If
Beersex	Hockey Fans
You know you're from Boulder if..	Boat Sex
Beer Smarts

Wayne Gretzky Tattoos

        A lady walks into a tattoo parlor. She's been told that the artist is the best. Being a HUGE Wayne Gretzky fan, she requests that he put Wayne's face on her right inner thigh. After an hour of work, the artist finishes and shows the lady her work, "This doesn't look anything like Gretzky," she says. He takes out a picture of Wayne and compares them... "See, they look just alike." The lady does not agree. So, the artist agrees to do Wayne on the other thigh for free.

    She comes back the next day to have her left thigh done. He does the tattoo and excitingly shows to her. "This one doesn't look like Wayne Gretzky either!" The artist insists that this one is identical to the picture of Wayne that she brought. To solve the debate, the artist calls his friend, a huge hockey fan, over to decide. The friend comes over and the lady lifts her dress to show the tattoos. "Hmmm, I'm not sure who the wingers are, but the center is definitely Lanny McDonald."

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 Pickup Lines of the Unsuccessful and Lonely

	I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
	(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
	Nice legs...what time do they open?
	Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
	You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
	Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
	I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I' m the only one talking to you.
	I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
	I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
	Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
	You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
	You can feel the magic between us...No, lower!
	I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
	Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya.
	If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
	(Look down at the crotch) It's not just going to suck itself.
	You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
	Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
	Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
	Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
	Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
	I may not be Dairy Queen but I'll treat you right.
	Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
	Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???
	Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.

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The Goaltender's Psalm

The puck is my shephard;
I shall not ice.
It maketh me save in unnatural positions;
It leadeth me into leg splits;
It restoreth my fans' faith;
It leadeth me in the paths of odd-man rushes.
Yea, though I skate in the valley of the
shadow of the net,
I will fear no sniper;
For my stick is with me;
My facemask and pads they comfort me;
They annointeth my body with SportsCreme;
My back-up tippeth over!
Surely coaches and trainers shall follow me
All the games of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house of the Montreal Forum
forever.

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Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

 "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so  special?" 

"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

 "What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly.  The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be  nice if you came second for a change!".

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Not At This Joint

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist, visits the red light district of Oklahoma City & enters a large brothel. It's only his second time in Oklahoma.

The Madam asks him to be seated & sends over a young lady to entertain the prospective client. They sit & talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit & talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear, and she screams "No!" and walks quickly away!

The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do! Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" louder than the previous two, smacks him as hard as she can, and runs away!

Madam is by now, absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all  her years of operating a brothel. She asks, "What did you want to do, to make them run away like that?" Bob said: "I just asked if I can pay in Canadian Dollars".
 

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SIPPING VODKA

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
    So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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Olympic Spirit

Two Americans boarded an American Airlines flight out of Salt Lake after the gold medal hockey game. One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Canadian got on and took the aisle seat. After take-off, the Canadian kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the American in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer." "No problem," said the Canadian, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Americans picked up the Canadian's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other American said, "That looks good; I think I'll have one too." Again, the Canadian obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other American picked up the other shoe and spat in it. When the Canadian returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Canadian slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" He asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations, This hatred, This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

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You Know You're From Michigan If:
1. You've never met any celebrities.
2. "Vacation" means going to Cedar Point.
3. At least 1 member of your family disowns you the week of the Michigan/Michigan State game.
4. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian.....eh!
5. Your idea of a 7-course meal is a six-pack and a bucket of smelt.
6. You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
7. Your idea of a traffic jam is 20 cars waiting to pass an orange barrel.
8. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.
9. You know the "Big Mac" is something that you drive over.
10. You know how to pronounce "Mackinac".
11. You've had to switch on the "heat" and the "A/C" in the same day.
12. You can see a car running in a parking lot with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
13. You end your sentences with a preposition; example: "Where's my coat at?
14. You bake with SODA and drink a POP.
15. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,vegetable, grain, or animal.
16. You think of the 4 major food groups as beef, pork, BBQ sauce, and beer.
17. You carry jumper cables in your car.
18. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
19. Driving in the winter is better because the pot-holes are filled with snow.
20. Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, and the opening of Deer Season, which you consider a National Holiday.
21 .You have 10 favorite recipes for Venison.
22. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
23. Your little league game was snowed out.
24. You learned to drive a boat before you could ride a bike.
25. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
26. Your snowblower has more miles on it than your car.
27. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
28. You attend a formal event in your best clothing, finest jewelry,and snowmobile boots.
29. The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.
30. The word "thumb" has geographical, rather than anatomical significance.
31. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your right hand.
32. Traveling coast-to-coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.
33. You measure distance in minutes.
34. When giving directions, you refer to "A Michigan Left".
35. You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but isn't that far from Hell.
36. You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
37. Your year has 2 seasons: Winter and Construction.
38. Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than toy stores at Christmas.
39. You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms.
40. Owning a Japanese car was a hangin' offense in your hometown.
41. You believe that "down south" means Toledo.
42. You think that everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
43. YOU ACTUALLY "GET" THESE JOKES AND FORWARD THEM ON TO ALL YOUR MICHIGAN FRIENDS AND FAMILY!

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Hockey Chain of Command

TEAM COACH
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
 

TEAM CAPTAIN
Leaps short buildings with single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God

ASSISTANT CAPTAIN
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is granted

DEFENSEMAN

Barely clears Quonset hut

Loses Tug-O-War

Is God

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You May Be From Wisconsin If

• You define summer as three months of bad sledding

• Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar

• Snow tires come standard on all your cars

• You refer to the Packers as we

• You can make sense out of the words upnort and Trivers

• You've gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week

• You can identify a Michigan accent

• Down South to you means Chicago

• Traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee

• A brat is something you eat

• You know that Eau Claire is not something you eat

• You have no problem spelling Milwaukee

• You consider Madison exotic

• You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon

• You've seen a hodag

• You can actually pronounce Oconomowoc

• You know what a bubbler is

• Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed

• A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer

• You go out for fish fry every Friday

• You can recognize someone from Illinois or Minnesota from their driving

• You know how to polka

• You drink soda and refer to your dad as pop

• Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap

• You were unaware there is a legal drinking age

• You have to go to Florida to get a tan in August

• You define swimming season as Labor Day weekend

• You know where the city of Waunakee is AND can pronounce it

• You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend

• You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, New London & Poland all in one afternoon

• You only know three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup

• You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit

• You have more miles on your snowblower than your car

• You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard

• You enjoy driving in the winter because the potholes fill in with snow

• Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie

• You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car

• The local paper covers major headlines on 1 page, but requires 6 pages for sports

• At least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant

• You think the start of deer season is a national holiday

• You know which leaves make good toilet paper

• You find 0 degrees a little chilly

• You know what to do with a Blatz

• You have been to a woods party

• You actually understand these jokes

• You forward them to all your Wisconsin friends

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Beersex

A guy is talking to a girl in a bar.
"What's your name?" he asks.
"Carmen," she says. "I had my name changed from 'Mary Lou' to 'Carmen'
because I love cars and I love men."
"Cool," he answers.
"What's your name?" she asks him.
He thinks for a second. "Beersex."

Submitted by:  Jodi Wright

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Hockey Fans

An Edmonton Oilers fan, a St. Louis Blues fan, a Detroit Red Wings
fan, and a Colorado Avalanche fan climbed to the top of Mount Everest.
They looked over the edge in wonder. Then the Oilers fan shouts, "This
is for the Oilers!" and jumps off the cliff.
Well, the St. Louis fan, not wanting to be outdone, shouts, "This is for
the Blues!" and jumps to his death.
Seeing the trend, the Avalanche fan looks around for a moment. Then he
walks behind the Red Wings fan, gives him a big shove off the mountain
and yells, "This is for hockey fans everywhere!"

Submitted by:  Jodi Wright
 

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You know you're from Boulder if...

1) Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings, but
none are visible.
2) You make around $100,000/year and still can't afford a house.
3) You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown
and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
4) A really great parking space can move you to tears.
5) You know that anyone wearing pants in November is just visiting from Ohio.
6) You are thinking of taking an continuing education evening class but
you can't decide among yoga, aromatherapy, conversational
Mandarin or a course on building your own web site.
7) A man walks down the Pearl St. mall in full leather regalia complete
with a speedo under chaps ...You don't notice.
8) You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from
the midwest.
9) You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is a local.
10) You keep a list of companies to boycott in your wallet.
11) Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers
your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy in drag.
12) You make dinner plans around who's got the best margaritas.
13) You complain about their prices but still shop at Alfalfa's for the scene.
14) Your summer shoes are your Birks and your winter shoes are your Birks
w/socks.
15) Your entire wardrobe consists of: coupla tank tops, coupla T-shirts,
second-hand Levi's, hiking shorts, sweats, anything polyester from the
70's, a bikini, Teva's, Birkenstocks, hiking boots, and running shoes.
16) You consider chips, salsa, and a microbrew a well balanced meal.
17) When you go out, you make sure you've grabbed your water bottle before
checking to see if you've got your wallet and keys.
18) You don't mind parking a mile away as long as it's in the shade.
19) You'd rather ride your bike than get in a car without air conditioning.
At least on your bike, you're guaranteed a breeze regardless of traffic.
20) The food at the company holiday party is all vegan, organic, soy free,
wheat free, dairy free...

Submitted by:  Jodi Wright

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BOAT SEX

Q: What does Coors Light and having sex in a boat have in common?

A: There both close to water!

Submitted by:  Christina

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BEER SMARTS

One guy says to another, "Does beer make you smarter?"
The other guy says, "I don't know but, I heard that it made Bud wiser."

 

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